


That Enigmatic Thing Called Feelings

by PanicAtTheEverywhere (DapperMuffin)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a roleplay, Emotional Manipulation, Light Angst, Logan Needs A Hug, Logan is touch-starved, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Love Confessions, Manipulation, Manipulative Deceit Sanders, Minor panic attack, Multi, Polyamory, Pride, but it's not mentioned by name, hand holding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-12 00:45:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19218163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DapperMuffin/pseuds/PanicAtTheEverywhere
Summary: Thomas wants to record a Sanders Sides for Pride Month. The other Sides are all willing to talk about their own experiences, but Logan is having some trouble. After all, how can he talk about feelings if he has none?





	That Enigmatic Thing Called Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a roleplay I did with a friend, @moxiety-my-love. I was Logan, Virgil, and Deceit, while they were a brilliant Patton, Roman, and Thomas. Go check out their Tumblr, they sometimes write Sanders Sides fanfics. (Alternatively, go check out my main Tumblr @yourelost-itsokay)

Thomas, standing in front of the camera, did his intro to start off the recording. “What is up, everybody? Now, as many of you know, it is currently pride month! And I thought I might take this opportunity to talk to you about self-acceptance, and what my experience with accepting my sexuality was like.”

 

“Woah there, kiddo!” interjected Patton as he popped up. “Are you sure you wanna be getting into this? Won’t it bring back some rough memories and bad feelings?”

 

Virgil appeared in his usual spot on the stairs with no warning. “Did somebody say bad feelings?” He chuckled nervously. “I remember _those_ all too well.”

 

Thomas pointed at both sides in turn. “Well, thank you both for bringing up a good point. Accepting yourself can bring some unfortunate feelings that may damage your self-esteem. But ultimately they help fuel your self-discovery and love for yourself.”

 

Roman popped up dramatically in his space by the TV. “I have to agree with Thomas, realising I was gay certainly created a turning point in my royal adventure.”

 

Virgil mumbled something under his breath that nobody else could hear, shoulders hunched, dark eyes cold.

 

Logan popped up in his spot next to the stairs. “Either way, it does seem like the right time to discuss such matters, it being pride month, as Thomas mentioned,” he suggested matter-of-factly.

 

“Thank you, Logan, for your willingness to participate.” Thomas smiled at Logan encouragingly. “Do you have any thoughts to start us off with? Was there anything specific that made brought you to realise your sexuality?”

 

Logan, not expecting to be asked for his input, cleared his throat as he looked around to the others. “Well, to begin with, there is often a pattern that many people notice about themselves, and depending on what precisely that pattern is, it can often lead one to discover their sexuality.” For whatever reason, he was trying to circumnavigate the part of the question that involved personal input, relying on facts instead of using his own experience. Virgil noticed that but said nothing. He figured it was Logan's business what he wanted to share.

 

“I can agree with that statement from our bookish friend over there,” stated Roman. “I always found myself seeking out other princes to save, rather than princesses as everyone expected me to. It was those experiences that led me to realise that I was drawn to other magnificent men like myself.”

 

Patton clapped enthusiastically at Roman’s story. “Awww, well, wasn’t that a good story, Roman! I’m proud of you, buddy.”

 

Logan raised an eyebrow at Patton's praise, not quite understanding why it was necessary, but said nothing, while Virgil scoffed audibly in Roman's direction, mostly at his usage of ‘magnificent’ to describe himself, clearly looking to aggravate him. Logan shot a look to Virgil, warning him not to provoke Roman, but Virgil ignored him, arms crossed as he glared at the prince.

 

“That’s great, Roman. My experience was a little similar, to be honest,” nodded Thomas in an attempt to defuse the tension. “Would anyone else like to share?” He addressed the question to the whole room, but his eyes lingered on the anxious side.

 

Virgil huffed, but for the moment put his irrational irritation with Roman aside. He had a deeper issue with Roman, but that would have to wait until after the video. For now, he shrugged. “I mean, I've just never really thought of _girls_ that way. They make great friends, but anything other than that for me is a solid no.” Patton smiled, happy that Virgil broke down a sort of wall.

 

Thomas smiled warmly. “Nicely said Virgil, thanks for that input.” He turned to address the camera and the viewers. “This is what I’m talking about, we all have different experiences with coming to terms with ourselves."

 

Virgil had a small smile in response to Patton's own.

 

Logan pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. “Patton, the rest of us have been forced to share our own experiences. Do you have a contribution to make to the video?” he asked almost passive-aggressively.

 

Patton shrugged. “Well, I wouldn’t say anyone _forced_ us to talk about it, but sure, I’ll share!” A nostalgic look passes over his face as he reminisces. “It was just a feeling that started down in my heart, ya know? It kept gnawing at me for what felt like infinity, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore when it kept growing. Feelings are really intricate, they’re what I represent. I had to listen to what it was telling me.”

 

Just then, a look of confusion crossed Roman’s face as he realised Logan hadn’t yet added his own feelings about himself. Logan's face softened for a moment as he listened to Patton, but then snapped back into its usual stony expression as soon as he was done and he noticed Roman staring at him. He looked quizzically at Roman; why was Roman looking at him?

 

“Well? We’ve all told our stories. Why haven’t you, Logan?” inquired Roman.

 

“Yeah, it’s your turn,” Patton agreed cheerfully. “Come on, Logan, this conversation is just a gay ol’ time!” He laughed at his own play on the word ‘gay.’

 

Even Virgil was looking at Logan. He wasn't going to bring it up, but now that Roman's mentioned it, he's actually curious.

 

Logan seemed to shrink under the others' gazes. “I—” He took a deep breath that noticeably shook before trying again, albeit rather haltingly. “You know that I am not the most in touch with my emotions, and therefore I am not the most comfortable expressing them, particularly not on camera like this.” His eyes darted to said camera, and he adjusted his tie nervously. “Excuse me. I have to go.” He started to sink out, clearly shaken up.

 

Everyone held still for a moment, shocked that _Logan_ , of all people, would leave during a video. Logan usually acted so aloof and unfeeling, so whatever happened just now was in no way normal. Virgil especially looked shocked. Roman shrank back and frowned slightly, feeling bad for having upset Logan.

 

Thomas, regaining his senses, turned off the camera before speaking. “Well, I guess we’ll just… take a break then? I’m gonna go edit next week’s script in my room, do any of you wanna go check on Logan?” He exited the room, leaving the others alone to discuss.

 

Surprisingly, Virgil spoke up first. “It should be me, or Patton. Sorry, Princey, I think you'd be a bit much for him after... all that. You know, on another note, it almost reminded me of a panic attack, the way he avoided it like the plague and then freaked out when Roman brought it up,” he mused.

 

Roman let out a sigh of defeat, worry evident on his face. “I suppose you’re right, Virgil. Patton, you should go speak with Logan while Virgil and I stay here. Maybe you’ll be able to calm him.”

 

Patton perked up, happy to be able to help his friends. “Sure, guys, I’ll do my best.” Determined, he sank out, hands on his hips.

  
  


Meanwhile, in Logan's room, Logan was curled up on his bed in a way that was unusually vulnerable for him, face hidden in his pillow. He looked up as he heard someone speak.

 

“Logan.” Deceit was standing in his room, eyes slightly narrowed even as he grinned his familiar, sinister grin.

 

Logan was glad he was able to keep his voice almost level. “What are you doing here? What do you want with me?”

 

Deceit raised his hands in a non-threatening manner. “Hello, Logan. I _definitely_ mean you harm, so there's no need to let down your guard.” He stepped closer. “I just wanted to raise my point for your consideration: perhaps your friends don't truly care about you as much as they _claim_ to? Surely they wouldn't _force_ you to talk about your emotions when we all know you don't feel _anything._ You said it yourself.”

 

Logan thought deeply. He frowned, unsure. Something about that resonated with him, yet it didn’t sound quite _right_ –but then Deceit, seeming to hear something, sank out quickly and Patton popped up to take his place.

 

“Hey kiddo, are you okay? Sorry if we hurt your feelings back there.” Patton spoke softly and tentatively, not wanting to hurt or frighten Logan.

 

Logan sat up, attempting to look more put-together. “I don't _have_ feelings, Patton.” His voice came out sharper than he meant. Deceit's words were still fresh in his mind, and no matter how much he knew the lying side couldn’t be trusted, another part of Logan wanted to believe Deceit. The snake side made it easy to feel like he was on your side when all he was really doing was manipulating you; Logan had seen it secondhand via Deceit's interactions with Roman during videos several times.

 

Patton looked hurt that Logan would say such a thing about himself. “But that can’t be true, you _do_ have feelings. You said it back there yourself. You’re just not as in touch with them and didn’t want to share them on camera. We understand that, you know.” Patton sat gingerly down on the bed beside Logan, keeping a small distance in between them just in case.

 

Logan looked at Patton. The expression in his eyes contained several emotions all tangled up together, and it was difficult to identify or tell them apart. He didn't speak, opting to hum quietly in response.

 

Patton sat quietly for a moment, not wanting to further upset his friend. Instead, he reached an arm out and placed a comforting hand on Logan’s shoulder.

 

Logan barely stopped himself from flinching at the sudden contact. He wasn't entirely used to touch, as it was something that hadn’t exactly been a common occurrence for the logical side over the years. Instead, he leaned into the touch, allowing himself to move closer to Patton. He was tired; this had been quite a day for him, and for _once_ he just wanted to stop thinking and let his feelings take over. “Maybe you're right,” he murmured after a moment.

 

Patton internally smiled, happy to have made a bit of progress, even if it was only a small amount. “About which part?”

 

Logan sighed heavily, gray eyes closed. “I don't know, all of it? I just don't understand feelings, so I thought it was easier to pretend I didn't have them than to admit I didn't know something for once.” Odd, Patton could’ve that his tone sounded bitter at the end. Logan rubbed at his eyes.

 

There was something about Patton that made it so easy for Logan to open up. It was partially that Logan was tired of hiding his emotions after so long, but Patton played a large part too. Maybe it was the understanding look in his eyes or the soft tone of his voice or the way he relentlessly cared for his friends no matter what.

 

Patton thought carefully over his next words before turning his head to look Logan in his eyes directly. “If you’re willing to accept that you have feelings, do you think you’re willing to share some of them with the rest of us?” A hopeful look passed through his eyes.

 

Logan knew he was cornered. If Patton asked for something, you'd have to be truly emotionless or able to withstand a lot of guilt to say no, because how could you disappoint Patton? He considered it for a moment, then sighed again, but a small smile was on his face as he turned to Patton.

 

“I suppose, although it may be more difficult to open up to the others and I am still averse to the idea of doing it on camera, I would be willing to give it a try. However, I cannot promise that I can explain my feelings in a way that would make sense to you, as I tend to process differently and I've been repressing for years.”

 

Patton’s face broke out into a huge grin, and he reached over to envelop Logan in a hug. “I wouldn’t ask for anything more from you, kiddo.”

 

Logan was again surprised by the touch, and although he wouldn't admit it, he vaguely wondered where Patton's hugs have been his entire existence. After a moment, he silently wrapped his arms around Patton and simply basked in the warmth and love Patton's hug gave off. _He is... happy? That seems like the right word._

 

After silently embracing Logan for a few moments, Patton pulled slightly away to speak again. “Are you feeling up to rejoining the others again?” he asked gently.

 

Logan ignored the part of himself that wished the hug was longer. If he knew Patton at all, then he knew there would be more hugs where that came from. “I- yes, I think so.”

 

Patton took Logan by the hand and helped him to stand up. He lead him out to the living room where the others are, walking hand in hand the whole time.

 

Logan was hyperaware of the fact that Patton was holding his hand, but not sure why it seemed to be a big deal to him. He knew that it makes Patton happy, though, and that somehow, by extension, made Logan happy as well. He gulped a little as they entered the living room together; he didn’t think he was quite ready even now, but he had to at least try, for Patton. Virgil and Roman noticed their presence immediately, and their attention went to Logan.

 

Roman, appearing guilty about having upset Logan earlier, was hesitant to speak at first. “My apologies, Logan, if I upset you earlier. I know we don’t exactly see eye to eye, and I’m sorry— it wasn’t my intention to hurt you.” He let out a sigh as if saying all of that had been difficult for him.

 

Logan bit his lip as he formulated a reply. “Thank you, Roman, I appreciate that, and it's fine.”

 

Virgil, who was lying on the couch, hood up as he stared at the ceiling, piped up next. “I noticed you didn't really wanna talk about it, but I didn't say anything 'cause I was curious. Sorry, I shoulda said something.”

 

“That's alright, Virgil, you couldn't have known, it wasn't your fault,” Logan reassured. “That applies to all of you.” He glanced briefly around the room at each of the other sides, first Roman, then Virgil, and finally to Patton next to him.

 

Patton met Logan’s glance. “We don’t have to finish Thomas’ video right now, it’s alright if you don’t feel comfortable with it. But since we’re all here, do you think you’d wanna share some of those feelings with us, like we talked about?” Roman looked up, interested in what Logan and Patton had to say.

 

Logan's eyebrows furrowed as he began the process of sorting through his emotions. “I told Patton this, but I still don't fully understand feelings, so I thought that pretending I didn't have them would be easier, but it's exhausting to lie not only to others but to yourself for so long. In truth, I do feel, a lot, which is hard for me to process. I was afraid to admit that I _do_ have feelings, and that maybe... those feelings towards all of you are... less _platonic_ than I thought.” His gaze dropped to the floor. The tip of his nose was flushed pink. “But that was probably too much information to drop all at once. I don't think I could phrase that in any other way that might be easier to understand, so I hope that you know what I meant.”

 

The group was all silent, taking in what Logan had just said. Roman, out of nowhere, strode over to Logan and Patton and connected his hands with their free hands.

 

“I, too, feel the same as you, Logan.” Roman’s deep, velvety voice was breathy, his green eyes earnest as they flicked from Logan to Patton and back. “I may have chosen to word it differently, but my feelings remain the same, nonetheless.”

 

Logan was suddenly finding it hard to breathe, and he took several deep breaths so his head would stop spinning. He didn't know how long he'd wanted this, but to hear that Roman felt the same was almost surreal.

 

Virgil, who'd been particularly quiet this whole time, stood up from where he'd been sitting on the couch, his hood flopping back so it no longer covered his hair. Very slowly, aware of the others watching him, he walked over to join them. There was a long pause as he debated with himself.

 

“I, uh, ditto.” He cringed outwardly, probably at his own awkwardness. “Man, I suck at this,” he added as a mumble. He was displaying the somewhat obvious desire to join the little circle the other three sides have formed, but nobody had a free hand for him to take.

 

Patton released his hand from Logan’s, offering to Virgil that he come join them. Logan seemed surprised but allowed Virgil to join them, completing the circle once more. Patton gripped Virgil’s hand tightly, making it known that he was welcome.

 

Virgil smiled shyly, but then a thought occurred to him. “So, uh, Pat, does that mean you also feel the same?”

 

Patton gave Virgil’s hand a small squeeze before responding with his own smile. “Yeah, Virge. I do feel the same.”

 

Thomas walked into the living room and was clearly surprised to see all four of the sides there in the center. “Oh, hey guys! I see Logan is back, are you okay?” His gaze fell on each one of them, despite having spoken to Logan.

 

“Oh, yes, I'm fine. I just came to terms with the fact that I do have emotions and have been lying to myself about it for almost the entirety of my existence, but other than that, everything's _perfect,_ ” answered Logan, employing more sarcasm than usual and smirking as well. Virgil snickered quietly, amused and approving of the sarcasm, but Thomas didn't look convinced. “I'm fine now, I promise. I had these three to help.”

 

Thomas smiled, reassured by Logan’s honesty. “Well, I’m glad you’ve all sorted things out. Is there… anything _else_ you’d like to share?” He made an obvious motion towards the four of them holding hands.

 

Both Logan and Virgil flushed as their attention was drawn to their hands being held. Virgil's blush took up practically his entire face, while Logan's was less obvious.

 

“I'm not sure, actually. Patton...? You know about this kind of thing, right? What do we _call_ this?” Logan turned to Patton.

 

The corners of Patton’s mouth curled up, eager to admit his thoughts. “We call it love.” His smile grew, happy with the simplicity of his statement. Now Logan had a smile of his own; he couldn't help it. Seeing Patton happy was enough.

 

Meanwhile, Virgil had regained his composure. While he liked the dark persona he put on, he had a huge soft spot for sappy stuff, which is why he liked Disney almost as much as Roman did, so, of course, Patton's statement would be touching to that soft spot of his.

 

Roman clapped once decisively. “Well, I propose we sit down and watch a movie, and maybe put the video to the side for now?” He gave Thomas a pleading look, to which Thomas responded with a look of approval and a shrug.

 

“Yeah, I’m down for that, Roman,” he said. “Is that okay with the rest of you?”

 

“Yeah, sure. Let's go.” Virgil fingergunned in Roman's direction, then took a running leap and somehow managed to throw his body across the entire couch as the others watched with varying degrees of concern and exasperation. He moved his legs so he only took up one space, and patted the cushion beside him. “C'mon, you guys.”

 

Logan didn't have the energy to even comment on that. Instead, he gestured towards the couch with his now free hand, the one that had previously held Virgil’s. “Shall we?”


End file.
